Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
