I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
