When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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