Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
