I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
