the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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