I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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