I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
