Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
