I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
