She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
