i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
