her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
