On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
