so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dignity is for republicans.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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