I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
