Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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