Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
