I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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