He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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