You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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