i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
