she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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