I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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