Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
