When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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