So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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