he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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