Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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