I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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