haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
