Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
