i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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