True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
