What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
