I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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