The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
