I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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