Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
