Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
