Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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