After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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