the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
