dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
