You made me cry and you don't even care
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
