he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
