ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
