lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
