Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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