would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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